Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
