I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
