hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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