Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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