I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
