Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I stole a fireplace last night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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