I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
