k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
