Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
