I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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