I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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