I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Houston, we have a blender
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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