I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My first STD was from a foam party
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
