rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
