I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
