So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
