watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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