Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
