I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
