and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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