I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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