I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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