i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
