im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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