you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
