I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
