I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
