You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.