I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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