dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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