Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is