i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
