My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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