My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
