im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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