i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
