i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
