Pants 0. Shit 1.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
