i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All the doctor said was why
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
