don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
