remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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