11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
