I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
