i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
