just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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