I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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