Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
