im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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