20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
