I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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