The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
