can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
