I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
