i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
