you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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