Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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