I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
barbara walters just said penis...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
