I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
